Things I Worry About

 

I worry about heavy swinging things. There are a lot of heavy swinging things in this world. And that really concerns me because, you know, I have a head. And my head, well, it kind of sticks up out of the rest of my body in a highly conspicuous manner. Almost like it's daring something to hit it. So I can't help wondering - and I wouldn't be surprised if you've wondered this, too - What's the likelihood that my head will be capable of bopping through life without once or twice encountering a heavy swinging thing? Heavy swinging things are notorious for swinging heavily; and some day, one of them might swing heavily into my head. That's one of the things I worry about.

Another thing I worry about is pushy sharp things. Every day people grab ahold of pushy sharp things and tear into cardboard and plywood and drywall and all kinds of other substances that are a lot harder than my stomach. That bothers me, because I've seen what these pushy sharp things can do, and they're all over the place. We see them daily in our own communities. What's the likelihood that all the pushy sharp things are going to stay clear of all the stomachs when they do business in such close quarters? I ask myself this question from time to time, and you'd better ask yourself the same. It never hurts to consider all the possibilities.

Then I start thinking, you know, what if some day I just start saying stuff? You know the sort of stuff I mean. What if my lips just suddenly go crazy and start forming all these weird vowels and consonants and diphthongs and triphthongs and somehow it all comes together to form these really obnoxious sentiments? I could lose all my friends instantly, bingo. Not a pleasant prospect. Of course I wish I could say this will never happen, but one can't be sure. Lips have been known to form the wrong diphthongs before. It can happen again... to you. And your life could be ruined. Just so you know.

If anyone is interested in fretting further, may I present to you a few more worrisome topics for inquiry. For instance, heavy rolling things, things that stain you pink for life, things that if positioned correctly could remove your eyelashes, and the ever-present chance that one morning you'll wake up take your morning shower walk out the door and realize two hours later that you completely forgot to get dressed.